Article by : Thomas Luke Ph.D.
“A relationship without boundaries is not a relationship worth having.” – Rev. Dr. Thomas Luke
“Let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes,’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no'” (Matthew 5:37).
For many years, I’ve earnestly sought divine guidance on the nature of healthy boundaries and the strength to uphold them. This journey has revealed the profound importance of interpersonal boundaries in fostering healthy relationships.
Prior to this spiritual and personal development, my understanding of healthy boundaries was notably underdeveloped. It took several years of pastoral counseling and guidance from mature Christian mentors to grasp the principles of healthy, Christ-centered boundaries, which often differ from secular perspectives. Historically, I struggled to establish limits with others. Even when I did, I lacked the conviction to enforce them, fearing the loss of external validation. This often resulted in a pattern of enabling others’ incursions into my personal space. Conversely, I recognize that I inadvertently violated the boundaries of others, often due to an unawareness of appropriate relational limits—a concept that seemed instinctively understood by healthier individuals.
My personal evolution has led me to prioritize respect over mere likeability. I’ve observed that individuals who command respect, even if not always personally liked, do so because they demonstrate self-respect and are less swayed by the opinions of others. When I establish boundaries with emotionally healthy individuals, they tend to accept these limits more readily. In contrast, those with significant rejection or entitlement issues often resist and react defensively or angrily to boundaries—a reaction that ultimately reflects their own internal struggles. At this juncture in my life, I’m prepared to “lay the axe to the root” (Matthew 3:10) by disengaging from toxic relationships that consistently disrespect my established boundaries (Luke 17:3).
Developing the capacity to set and maintain boundaries has been a rigorous and ongoing process within my spiritual journey. While my spiritual development remains a work in progress, I hold the conviction that true completion will only occur at the Lord’s return, when I receive my redeemed body as promised in scripture (1 Corinthians 15:32 NIV: “in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed”).
My most significant personal struggle has been “people-pleasing.” This tendency isn’t rooted in genuine altruism; rather, it can manifest as manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior driven by emotional dishonesty and a profound need for external approval to validate one’s sense of self. Scripture offers clear guidance on honest communication: “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37 NIV).
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” – Galatians 1:10, NIV
Recommended Readings:
- Luke, Thomas. The Least of These: Missions: Restoring Child-Victims of Human Sex Trafficking in Cambodia.
- Katherine, Ann. Boundaries, Where You End and I Begin.
- Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John. How to Say Yes and How to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life.
